A period of courtship followed by a request to go steady is nothing more than a contract on terms substantially as follows.
[PS I don't know what's more scary, that the following was fun, or that I can even write such things in the first place]
DRAFT 1
1.
Offer: I refer to our recent meetings (hereinafter the “
Familiarity Period”) and am now pleased to extend an offer of partnership/slavehood/serfhood/permanent indenture/consorthood/companionship/marriage/cohabitation//pleasure buddy/toilet cleaner/child bearer to you on the terms and conditions set out below (hereinafter this “
Offer”). This Offer shall extend indefinitely until such time that I may notify you to the contrary (whether in writing, by way of electronic mail, fax, any instant messaging system, by telephone or by way of utilisation of the short-messaging-system PROVIDED that the parties hereto agree that such list of permissible communications is not exhaustive and shall in any way limit my rights to notify by other means at my absolute discretion. Such permissible manner of communications shall hereinafter be defined as "
Permissible Methods of Communications").
2. Representations and Warranties:I hereby represent and warrant to you as follows:
2.1 Age and Capacity: I am of full age, being above the age of 21 as of the date of this Offer, and therefore to the best of my knowledge have full capacity to enter into any arrangement contemplated by this Offer.
2.2 Soundness of Mind: To the best of my knowledge, I am of sound mind, and I am not aware of any factors (family history or otherwise) which may render this representation untrue.
2.3 Conduct: To the best of my knowledge, throughout the Familiarity Period I have not made any untrue statements or behaved in a manner which may mislead you as to aspects of character and habits.
2.4 Clean Criminal Record: I have never been indicted in any competent court of law for any offence in any jurisdiction, and to the best of my knowledge, as at the date of this Offer, I have not been served with any warrant of arrest, summons, or any analogous process of service of criminal proceedings in any jurisdiction.
2.5 Gainful Employment: Throughout the Familiarity Period, I have been gainfully employed with Anonymous Employer (undefined for obvious reasons) and drawing the Relevant Salary. To the best of my knowledge, no notice of termination of my employment has been served on me, and I am not aware of any factors which may lead to such service of termination of employment by Anonymous Employer.
For the purpose of this paragraph 2.5, “
Relevant Salary” means:
(i) for the year 2003, $x per month;
(ii) for the year 2004, $y per month; and
(iii) at all times thereafter until the date of this Offer, $z per month.
3. Conditions of Relationship3.1 Entitlement to Physical Presence and Absolute Attention: Upon a party’s (the “
Compelled Party”) receipt of a notice from the other party (the “
Calling Party”) through a Permissible Method of Communication, the Compelled Party shall be obliged to appear before the Calling Party for such duration as the Calling Party shall desire (the “
Mandatory Duration of Presence”). Throughout the Mandatory Duration of Presence, the Compelled Party shall be obliged to remain in the presence of and to pay full attention to the Calling Party.
Exception: The Compelled Party shall be excused from performance of its obligations under this paragraph 3.1 upon the occurrence of any one of the following events (the “
Exception Events”):
(i) Work: Receipt of instructions from a superior of the Compelled Party which occasion attention to work at the place of employment of the Compelled Party.
(ii) Lack of Rest: The Compelled Party has slept for a period of less than 6 hours in the calendar day prior to the time of the Mandatory Duration of Presence.
(iii) Argument: The Calling Party and Compelled Party are or have been involved in one or several arguments of any kind whatsoever, unless the Calling Party first declares that “I am sorry I am a scumbag” in the notice to the Compelled Party and the Compelled Party replies “Yes you are a scumbag but you are forgiven”.
[Drafting Note: Exception Events to be discussed and completed in the next round of drafts]
3.2 Physical Conduct: Either party (the “
Initiating Party”) may, from time to time following the acceptance of this Offer, feel insatiable and inexplicable urges to make contact with one or several parts of the body of other party (the “
Recipient Party”). This is permissible, and the Recipient Party shall, to the extent allowed under law, release the Initiating Party from all criminal and civil liability and indemnify the Initiating Party from any costs occasioned as the result of any such act of the Initiating Party.
[Drafting Note: to insert paragraph providing for prohibited physical conduct which shall include smoking]
3.3 Permissible Conversation: The following is, without limitation expressly permissible conversation:
(a) in the case of a male party:
(I) remaining silent following a Prohibited Question (as defined below)
(II) appreciative growling
(III) “You look good”
(IV) “God I love that dress you turn me on baby”
(V) “Come to Daddy”
(VI) “What? It’s that time of the month again????”
(b) in the case of a female party:
(I) “You are such a good looking specimen of malehood you turn me on you brute come to Momma”
(II) “I can’t decide whether I should prance around naked in the house. I am so naughty”
[Note to self: please stop drafting now.]
(c) The following are Prohibited Questions by a female party:
(I) “Honey, do I seem to have put on a little weight lately?” (If you have to ask, the answer is yes)
(II) “Darling, do I look fat?” (see (I) above)
(III) “Do you think she’s pretty?” (If I have made sideway glances, the answer is yes. Don’t ask stupid questions)
(IV) “Do you think she’s prettier than me?”
[Drafting Note: further prohibited questions to be inserted]
4. Termination Events[To be inserted]